| It all started on a Sunday night. I had just got back from Matt's place as usual. But things had been feeling different around his place. Since E and I had been going there T started staying with Dennis. It was no longer a situation of here WE are let's party. It was like..."oh aaron is coming over later...yeah." I noticed that they didn't pay particular attention to me anymore. I don't have to be the center of attention and I rarely am. But it got to the point where I felt like I was a sideshow, a joke. My main function in the situation was to be Red Roller and that was about it. It made me felt like shit. I went home so many nights wondering what it was I did wrong. I realized that I had not changed it was everyone else that had changed. I'm still the balls out crazy, no fear betch that I've always been but it seems that once people knew that I was that way all the time they didn't care as much. It was probably funny at first and interesting but as time went on they realized that I'm like that all the time and it became annoying I guess. Seems to happen to me a lot. Some of the people that I thought were my friends were not really my friends. They were only my friends because of our mutual interest in the same subject. It was a fun trip while it lasted but I think it's time for me to move on with my life. That part of my life was a blast while it lasted but I've realized that it was only dragging me down cause I'm not like that. I share some of the same points of view but I have the advantage that I am in college and that Whitener Island is not my only hope. I know that I'm going to go on to bigger and better things in my life. I don't know if I can say the same for the others that I partied with. I hope that they can dig theirselves out of the rut that they have been running in for so long. They are beautiful people who just need one chance to turn their lives around and do something great. What makes me wonder though, is do they want to get out of the rut? I know there is a chemical induced happiness in the state of mind of which they reside. With myself though after two and half months of the same shit I thought to myself what the fuck are you doing? You're frying your brain, sliding by on the skin of your teeth in school, and not getting enough sleep for what? To have a good time? Yeah that was it. To have a good time. Up until the day I got my car I was a very sheltered child. January 2007 was the turn around I needed to show me the world. In thirteen and half months I did everything and anything to have fun. I let go of everything I knew. I let go of what I knew was right and wrong. I made a lot of what I thought were my friends. But in the end i don't think they were my friends at all.
I get home and my computer is broke. I decide to fix. My parents are leaving for Austin on Friday morning leaving the house to me. Friday and Saturday were the most fucked up days of my life. I have never been so fucked up in my entire life. Even though I was extremely happy I was exceptionally alone.
That's when I started to get sick on Sunday night. My shoulders hurt.
By monday morning i was in agony. I went to the Doctor. I have walking pneumonia. From monday night through friday and most likely into this weekend I haven't left the house. It drove me to the breaking point last night. I almost overdosed on cough medicine. Being a pharmacy tech has its advantages and disadvantages if you know what I mean. I really thought I was going to die last night. I couldn't breathe. I sat in my bed for hours on end staring at the wall as I forced myself to breathe in and out because my body was not performing it by itself. It was odd to say the least. In the midst of me about to pass on i knew i didn't want to die. I had too much to live for i guess. It was sad.
The things piled on to the point of death:
computer
college
chemicals
friends
work
parents
loneliness
bored
cigs
When music is your life and your computer with your music dies its like you die.
College work that is too much cause you're missing so much class
Chemicals that are great once in awhile but not everyday
Friends that you thought were your friends but aren't really
Work that only is concerned if your ass is going to be there or not
Parents who don't listen and can drive you up the wall with their insipid lives
Loneliness from locking yourself away cause your parents are insane, your friends don't care, and the love of your life is a hundred miles away
Bored cause the same thing happens everyday. Take pill here, drink this there, cough this up, apply this patch, take this shower go to bed.
Cigs. The life and death of me. The patch helps a lot but it's like I'm losing a friend that understood every situation.
I don't know what it all means.
I watched Kill Bill and Domino this weekend. Both exceptionally strong female characters. They have inspired me to keep going. To live for something.
So here's my plan.
Quit subway
Quit smoking (almost done...patches only)
Quit blazing
Quit the bad influences
Become solitary doing only what is necessary to survive never taking your eye off the goal for one second.
Finish school
Get the body you want
Get your man
Get a real job.
If i can get to the body part I'll be very happy. Then I can have a the breakdown I deserve. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Lisa Marie Presley | | Subject: | What now? | | Time: | 11:27 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/thoughtful.gif) contemplative |
|
| Who's gonna save me next time?
I get so depressed with school. I wish I could take everything in quick concise mini semesters. Full semesters are boring and meant for the procrastinator. I procrastinate cause I put things off until the last minute. When I'm up against a deadline I compile things faster and more efficiently. Like today I have approximately five hours to study for a 50 question test that involves antibiotics, narcotics/pain relievers and antipsychotics. I haven't quite finished up the antipsychotics area but the other two are already typed and ready to be examined. I know I can perform my chosen profession but I hate the schooling aspect of it. Which I suppose it could just be in my wiring as a man. I read in a magazine once that men usually learn better by doing rather than reading about it and studying for it. I guess that's true with me. I learn things better by getting my hands dirty, jumping in feet first and going balls out. I just have to pass the tests that say I can.
I started dipping tobacco instead of smoking it. I'm trying to stop smoking which is actually easier than I thought it would be. But I've only been smoking since January 2007. I realized that I don't need cigs its just that they are nice to smoke after a meal and right after a test. I dip tobacco to save my lungs but I'll probably end up with some type of mouth cancer. But I don't care. I want to live my life without regrets. Even if I do get cancer from it I won't regret it cause I did it to myself and I wanted to do it. Maybe not giving a shit about everything has its own set of side effects which could be detrimental to my life. But at the same time it gives me a free will like no other. I'm not scared. Watching V for Vendetta a few months back made me realize that when you get over the fear of everything and the fear that everyone wants you to believe you can do anything. I have no fear. People can't control you when you have no fear. If you fear you have to live inside a box that is shaped and controlled by the maker.
I'm in love. I think. Love is the most widely written about thing. Everything can be stemmed from love - - heartbreak, sorrow, excitement, euphoria, depression. It's the ultimate happiness and the ultimate sadness one can feel in their entire life. But I am scared oddly enough. It's a not a forced scare as in i'm gay and i'm pursuing a possible relationship with another gay man. Its the fact that I find myself falling in love with someone who is the exact opposite of everything that I like. He talks is the stereotypical gay fashion. Has a relatively gay apartment. But he's the only man I've clicked with in awhile. I've always said that I needed a straight man with gay sex and love. But I'm finding out that I probably won't get the needed emotional reciprocation that I need. I need human touch and emotion and it can drive a person insane. I've told this man about my bad qualities like my body but he doesn't care. He just wants me. It scares me that someone would want me for me and not my body. I've listened to songs that say love me for me. But i didn't realize how foundation rattling that could actually be. It can flip your entire world upside down. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Suspension Without Suspense - No Doubt | | Subject: | so here i sit | | Time: | 01:12 pm |
|
| so here i sit. every time I'm at home i hate b eing here. i turn into an evil person. i can't get anything worth while done. i stare at the walls. this morning i cried for awhile in my bed. even as i write this tears are coming to my eyes. now i know what the character Viviane Joan Abbott Walker in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood was talking about. She's in confession. She says that she has thoughts about her husband and her children. Improper thoughts. She wants to be free. She wants to be famous.
I want to be free and I can't be. I wish I could just runaway and be free. Start something new something fresh a million miles from where I am.
I haven't posted here in so long and so much has happened in my life. I've changed so much from what I was two years ago. But was it all worth it. Am I in any better shape than I was. Like a snake shedding its skin I am. But right now I want to crawl back into my old skin and feel like me again.
I dunno what to do. But I want it all to end. I need my friends the most and I don't have them. I feel very alone right now.
For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?
I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | One Headlight - The Wallflowers (helloooooo 1996) | | Subject: | update | | Time: | 12:15 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/peaceful.gif) peaceful |
|
| Got a bowflex, back on the diet, walking again. I want to have a six pack - - abs not beer! by summer 2007 ish. As long as it's by the time i go to Florida at the end of July beginning of August I'm happy.
All I ever hear is "you're thin enough" blah blah BS! I know what I need to look like and I probably won't be happy until i get there.
I'm still smoking...though I'm trying to quit. I have one cig every other day...on the days that i don't smoke i get headaches... go figure. On them for two months and i'm slightly addicted.
I dropped my Java Programming class cause:
1) fucking boring
2) had an obsolete instructor
3) wasted my time
4) would learn faster from a FOR DUMMIES book
5) made me feel better about myself
So now it's just History I only. We just had test 2 today...i made a 95. Maybe I should do poly sci as a major...i did very well in govt.
Still looking for someone to spend my time/love with. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Runaway Love - Ludacris | | Subject: | Tests | | Time: | 09:03 pm |
|
| I got a 94 on my history test :-D
I haven't smoked since last Saturday night :-D
I'm still tired :-(
I'm happy :-)
I still want someone to call my own and cuddle with on Sunday morning :`(
I'm still alive :p | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | mOBSCENE | | Subject: | a B!?!?! | | Time: | 09:16 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/silly.gif) crazy |
|
| | yeah I got an 83 on a test in programming. It was a term test and it sucked ass. But I'm not that stressed out by it - usually I go fuck nuts if I don't get a 90+, but at this point I just don't give a shit anymore! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I have some obsession with their music atm. I find the music to be calming believe it or not. When I listen I'm overly calm and centered.
I've been listening to their best of album. Any recommendations on a complete album?
I had my first History test today. 100 questions. Wasn't that bad. She gave five or six freebies and five bonus questions worth up to 10 points total.
I have a programming test next. Its just over the concepts of a programming, like what is an algorithm, an object, an event, parameters etc. What's really bad is that I lost the cdrom that comes with the java 5 book. It isn't essential to the course, its just that it has some java compilers, chapters notes etc. I think I'll be ok, but I'm hoping the cd is still in the room. If not maybe someone will be gracious enough to let me copy theirs.
Is it not annoying when someone comes to sit at another computer beside your computer and basically reads over your shoulder about what you're writing in your journal? Fucking moron. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It's so hard to find a partner, a boyfriend. Maybe I should just stop looking and they'll find me.
It happened a few weeks back. But it soon ended cause he wasn't what I wanted.
Is that bad? Should I have just dealt with the differences even tho we were absolute opposites?
I find myself wondering what could have happened with Dusty. I wanted him to change something that made him him and I just could not do that to him. It was a very shallow thing (not looks) but I'm praying it was for the better.
At least I know I can talk to people. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | rock is dead - marilyn manson | | Current Location: | kingwood, texas | | Subject: | changes | | Time: | 07:14 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/relaxed.gif) relaxed |
|
| People change. Maybe for the better. Maybe for the worse.
I never do anything just because everyone else was doing it.
I started smoking. Cigarettes. I'm not addicted by any means. It's purely a social thing, tho I did not start because everyone else was doing it. I chose to do that. I want to make that perfectly clear to myself. I try to write down everything in this journal so that when I'm 25 i can look back and see what I did with my life, and perhaps not regret anything. Trying everything at least once has been my motto for the last three years. Everything done up to now has been for the better I'm hoping. I've changed in many ways, way that I thought I never could. Growing into an adult I guess you could call it. Gaining experience with life maybe.
But I have no regrets for anything I've ever done. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Say It Right - Nelly Furtado | | Current Location: | MoCo | | Subject: | tips | | Time: | 08:16 am |
|
| | I need tips on what to talk about with someone you don't know. I still have a problem with that. Since Snoo is the social butterfly I hope she has some pointers. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Yummy - Gwen Stefani | | Subject: | yahoo~ | | Time: | 12:42 am |
|
| | Is it bad to be chatting with someone who messaged you on okcupid? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Glycerine | | Subject: | iPod | | Time: | 10:04 am |
|
| If I can hear your iPod from 12 feet away and you are wearing the standard ear buds that come with it, your music is too fucking loud for a library setting your fucking flaming imbecile.
In other college related news taking notes suck! voice recorders rock!
And why is it that I am the only one that didn't know it was going to get that cold today? I about froze my bollox off on the walk in from the car. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | shit | | Time: | 11:47 pm |
|
| You know i didn't realize it until i watched a video of myself. I've always known but I didn't know how bad it was. I've lost masculinity, and I want it back. I know why and how I lost it. The million dollar question is how do i get it back?
Feeling shitty.
Save me. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | gwen. | | Time: | 06:23 pm |
|
| People are saying the album is shit. I can understand that. Wind It Up makes no sense whatsoever. The rest of the album is more than decent. Fans from her LAMB album will not like it one bit because it's almost a completely different direction than her last album. Her crazy ass style is still there but just packaged different. At least she's trying something new. I know most the beats are from The Neptunes but at least she is going out on a limb.
People are comparing it to No Doubt. What they don't seem to understand is that ND was a GROUP not a female with a band (as though it may appear to some). Their shit was very well thought out between the members and gwen sang that shit.
They are comparing her to Fergie...sorry but fergie looks like a whithered crack whore up close. It feels like her stuff are Black Eyed Pea songs rebuilt for a solo career. Fergalicious is ... an interesting song that I love to hate. It feels like two songs that have been stitched together. Fergie bathing in cake isn't exactly what I wanted to see in the video. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Gwen Stefani's new album is fucking awesome.
Go buy it! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects | | Subject: | weekend. | | Time: | 12:07 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/drained.gif) drained |
|
| i smoked a cigarette and found out that it's not that great. Cigarettes are a social thing that went awry too long ago.
Two more weeks of college...I don't know if I can make it.
A friend chose weed over me today. How odd is it that it reminds of that Avril Lavigne song (sorry snoo). It's no wonder I have such a shitty attitude about most things. I have to remember to have no expectations thus leaving me with no disappointments.
You start to learn people's opinion of you in rather odd ways. Labeled for something I'm not.
I want to start/join a fight club. I got into a fist fight this weekend...I liked the lack of pain even though I had a gash on my head. The blood was nice too.
I've been numb for a few weeks. The shit keeps stacking up like pancakes at IHOP. Something has to give. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | SHUT UP!!! - Kelly Osbourne | | Subject: | OMFG | | Time: | 12:23 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/angry.gif) bitchy |
|
| I WISH, oh how I do WISH that people would just FUCKING listen to me the first DAMN time I say something. Things would be so much fucking easier is everyone just learned that I damn well KNOW what the fuck I am talking about and my opinion on the matter should be taken seriously. Shut the fuck up, don't think about the fucknuts shit you are going to spew from your whored lips and listen to my fucking mouth.
~we now return you to you normally scheduled pissed off mood~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Jump - Madonna | | Subject: | weight loss | | Time: | 03:11 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/scared.gif) scared |
|
| Yeah...it hasn't happened in the past few months, school, work, laziness all contribute to why it hasn't happened. The biggest factor that was missing that I hadn't discovered: inspiration. During weight loss round 1, the Lara Croft/Angelina Jolie/Milla Jovovich/Resident Evil persona THING made me get up everyday with energy... it made me a fighter. I became a vegetarian. I lost that motivation until a few days ago when I saw Casino Royale. Daniel Craig gave me a swift kick in the ass so to speak. I can do it this time. I can stop eating meat again (yes, I did it for "fullness" but it did the exact opposite - - my energy has been drained)
Goodbye cookies, ice cream, pecan pie, coke, bread, cheese, full fat dressings, sugar, latte's, whole milk, meat, pop tarts, Blue Bell, ... hello, water, 2% milk, splenda, vegetables, vegetarianism, tofu, fruit.
If you want to get really shallow - the man candy in "She's The Man" was what really put me over the edge this week.
~i can make it alone~
. . . ....... Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump.
. . . .Dont ever look back
There's only so much you can learn in one place
. . The more that I wait the more time that I waste
The only thing you can depend on is your family
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Is it ethical for a professor to deliberately delay the return of an exam so that you cannot drop the class with a grade of "w"? It has happened with my Calc professor. I'm not in danger of failing but I feel for those people who are. Though, he does have his reasons. He doesn't tell anyone until the end that he drops a test. Maybe it motivates us to be better students. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Programming Fundamentals I
History I
Programming: C++. According to the professor you don't have to have experience in programming to do the class. She says that if you can use a computer well then you should have no problems in her class.
History: from what I can gather and what I've heard from out on the hallway, the professor that I've chosen lectures from the beginning of class to the end of class. Her voice will probably get on my nerves, but I don't really have a choice. Programming is T-Th so I have to take the only History class that's before it and she is teaching it.
I'll be ok. With the lecture in History I have a small mp3 player from creative that has a built in microphone. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thi_sis_me's journal![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/confused.gif){kind=small}
confused![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/calm.gif){kind=small}
calm